I wish talking with my family wasn’t so much like pulling out my own teeth.

I want to make a change, but I don’t know where to start.

Ugh maybe I should just go crawl under something because I’m lonely lonely lonely and it’s quite pathetic. And I wish my dad would call me even though I don’t want to talk to him, but it would be nice to know he’s sorry and he really does care. I’m boycotting Easter this year and I give no fucks \m/. Welp I would like to take a nap and wake up in May but we all know that isn’t going to happen. So yup. This is me being exxxtra pathetic. Judge me and I’ll cut you.

“We’ll only be here for a while” She said, “three years,” she said, “til we settle down.”
“We’ll move away,” she said, “a nicer place,” she said, “a place to turn around.”
“We’ll walk the beach,” she said, “dream big,” she said, “build castles in the sand.”
“I don’t want to be alone!” She cried, “I want to be loved!” She sighed, as I held her hand.
Three years have passed, alas, she’s long gone.
“I’m sorry.” she said, “I can’t handle my head.”
And now my hand rests alone. 

Conversion disorder is back.

Can’t cope.

I don’t care about anything besides getting the fuck out of here.

Don’t care, don’t care, don’t care.

I’ll just keep telling myself that until the brick in my stomach leaves town.

Made it to Georgia. Everything is perfect. Don’t wanna come home.

I have this incessant need to save people. I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach to help as many people as I can, even if it costs me my own sanity. And I know it’s a problem.

But if I don’t do it, who will? I know people need to break, need to fall, need to suffer to see the light again, but they also need a hand, someone to pull them up, brush them off, and send them in the right direction. I need to be that person to fill that pit. I need to be the good, the one person who wont give up on them. I’ve felt this way since I was seven years old.

Seeing my mother cry every night? I held her hand and wiped her tears. Witnessing my friends threaten suicide? I talked them down and held them while they cried. Who is going to do it if I wont? Someday I’ll be a successful social worker or therapist, and someday it’s going to kill me. Someday I’m going to see too much, hear too much, feel too much, but it’ll be worth it. I refuse to burn out. I refuse to watch someone go too far. I need this even though it will destroy me. I need to do this more than anything.

So before you tell me that I need to take care of myself first, think of this: if you had a friend, a sister or brother, a lover, who needed help.. wouldn’t you want someone to be there for them? Someone who would never give up on them? I’m that person. I always have been and I always will be.

I’m terrified that I’m not living my life to the fullest.

There’s probably a screen-shot or .gif out there of that line, probably from Eternal Sunshine, and if I saw it on my dash right now, I would reblog it.

But that’s not the point.

The point that I’m trying to make is this; if I were to die tomorrow.. what would I have to show for my life? I’m 21 years old, and yeah I’ve been through hell and back like 8 times, but I have nothing tangible, nothing significant, to show for it. I know someday I’ll write a book, someday I’ll travel, someday I’ll LIVE.. but I want that right now. I’m sick of waiting for my future, when in reality my future is waiting for me.

So from this moment on I’m going to look at things in a new light. I’m going to look at everything as a new possibility, a new adventure. I’m not going to hide myself away anymore. I’m going to experience everything fully with open arms, open eyes, and an open mind. I’m ready for anything.

Zack’s funeral was today. Needless to say I’m absolutely heartbroken that such a wonderful young man was taken from us. His laugh, his smile, his personality.. he could light up an entire room just by walking in. I’ll never forget that about him.

Zack, I miss you so much, man. I miss everything about you. I promise to cherish every moment I spent with you for the rest of my life, and I vow to talk about my memories of you with a big smile in your honor. I love you, Zack. Save me a seat up there next to the big man, okay? I’ll buy the first round.

Possibly going blonde tomorrow.

Hopefully I don’t look like a total idiot.