1. Don’t trust the blonde chick who is revising your essay to actually give it back after editing it because she wont.
2. Always bring an extra copy of your essay to class just in case you don’t follow #1.
3. After thinking about it for some time, and only under extreme circumstances, cannibalism is acceptable if it’s a Me Or You situation and you’re already dying of hypothermia.
4. (For the record I did not eat a human being today, I just got really into my anthropology class)
5. (but don’t think I wont)

Today was the first day of the spring semester. I love all of my classes, and I’m really looking forward to being productive again. Abnormal Psych looks like it’ll be fun despite the fact that I know no one in that class, but I’ve had the professor once before so I’m sure everything will be fine. My English professor has to be the coolest guy I’ve ever seen. His voice is like poetry, and I just want to listen to him talk for hours. Good thing the class is mostly lectures! Anthropology looks a bit more intense than I thought it would be, but I have a friend in the class with me and I’ve had the professor before for Sociology so I think I’ll be able to handle it.

In other news; I really want to bleach my entire head and dye it an unnatural color because I need a change from whatever my hair is deciding to be right now.

Classes start on Monday.

I am happy, nervous, thrilled, anxious, apathetic, and terrified all at the same time.

I honestly don’t know how that works, but hey let’s face it, do I really need to know?

Nope.

And that’s all she wrote. 

I’ve decided that I’m changing my major from creative writing to social work as soon as the spring semester starts. Everything about social work and psychology is stimulating to me; I want to learn it ALL. I’m prepared for the insane papers I’m going to have to write, I’m prepared for the ups and downs of being in the mental health field, but I’m also prepared to make a difference in the lives of people who don’t have someone to sit them down and say “hey, it gets better.” Because it does get better, and who knows that more than someone who has experienced it first hand?

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. I love it more than anything. But I don’t need to become a writer. I do, however, want and need to become a social worker/therapist. I need this as much as it needs me.

I will do this. I will do it because I want it more than anything. This is where my life is going and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it!

OH I TOTALLY FORGOT TO TELL YOU

I wrote an article for my Journalism midterm about the stigmas surrounding mental illness and IT GOT PUBLISHED IN THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER!

And maybe it’ll do some good, you know? Maybe someone who is struggling will read it and find hope. Maybe someone who knows someone with a mental illness will now know how to help them.

This is a whole new level of happiness, you guys, it really is.

Signed up for spring semester classes today! I have Abnormal Psych 10-10:50am, English Comp II 11-11:50am, and Anthropology 1-1:50pm all on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. So pumped to be in Abnormal Psych! That shit is so interesting to me, and since I’m bipolar and I thought it would be a good idea to learn as much about it, and other mental illnesses, as possible. I technically don’t need Anthropology since I’m a writing major, but I’m planning on switching my major to social work/psychology so I’ll definitely need it then. The only one I’m worried about is English Comp II ‘cause I had signed up for it a few semesters ago, and ended up dropping it because the work was way too demanding. I hope I can handle it this time around!

• Rode in with Chris @ 9:30am
• Could not find a damn parking spot anywhere near the building
• Walked into the class before mine not knowing that it wasn’t 10am yet
• Walked right back out like an idiot
• Journalism @ 10am
• There’s another Alexandra in my class
• She sits right in front of me
• It sucks
• Intro to Psych @ 11am
• 395873957 people in my class
• Got distracted by the sign language interpreters
• Colored in every letter in my syllabus out of boredom
• Lunch break 12pm-1pm
• Got to eat with Mariah and Katie!
• College Algebra 1pm-2:45pm
• She made us stay the whole time
• Don’t have to buy the book for class
• Saves me about $90
• Got more info about financial aid after class
• Bought 2 textbooks for $60
• Came home
• Changed into comfy clothes
• Cuddles with puppy<3

Text post because I want to,

Bulleted because I care.

Is that weird of me? I just want to meet new people and reconnect with the ones that I used to see everyday. I want to get lunch with my friends, and laugh and laugh and laugh. I want to meet deadlines, I want to stress, I want to study, I want to learn.

Most of all I just want to rid myself of the bullshit, and meet people who feel the same. 

I feel so alone right now it’s ridiculous. I’m becoming too dependent on my boyfriend, and it needs to stop. I need to be independent. I need to not be so lonely all the time when I’m not stimulated. Bottom line: I need to be comfortable by myself.

The next few months are going to be difficult. Geoff isn’t in school this semester because his parents don’t have the money to pay for his classes, so he has to find a job so he can help pay for school. I have a feeling that this semester is going to be much more difficult than the last. Not only am I taking more credits, but all of my classes are bunched up on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I will have Tuesdays and Thursdays to myself, but I still have to wake up extra early every other day for class. Why did I choose to take a 9am? Oh yeah, I’m batshit insane.

I also need to push myself. I need to find a serious drive so I can maintain my 3.92 GPA so I can eventually transfer to Emerson. I know that if I can keep my grades they way they were last semester, I’ll be able to apply for a shit-ton of scholarships so I don’t have to pay out the ass for a decent education. I need to believe in myself. I’ve had a nice little vacation time with my boy, and now it’s time for serious business. Let’s be realistic, here. Geoff isn’t going to be around all the time anymore. He’s living in Boston, he’s getting a new job, and chances are this job is going to make him work weekends so seeing him is going to be difficult. I need to be able to rely on myself now, I can’t always lean on him. I need to refocus and put my everything into school and grades, because if I really want a successful future, this is what needs to happen.

I need to get out of here, and I need to do it quick. Haverhill is not the place for me. I have dreams, I have goals, I have things I want to accomplish in my lifetime and I can’t see myself getting anywhere while I’m living in this apartment with my mother. I want to go. I want to explore cities. I want to be so much more than what I am.

So much more than my illness allows.

I let my bipolar control me. I let it chew me up and swallow me. I let it spit me back out worse than before, and then I let it chew me up again. Not this time. Not anymore. I will control my life now - not my negative thoughts. I always tell myself that I can’t and that I’ll never be able to do things that I’ve always wanted to because of how “sick” I am. Aren’t I nice? I view myself as damaged. I view myself as less than everyone else. I am not. I am smart, I am funny, I know how to love just as much as I know how to hate, but I only hate myself. I blame myself for everything that’s ever happened to me, even if it clearly wasn’t my fault. I take it on as if I sabotaged myself. As if I planned my own demise.

So here’s the thing: I want to transfer out of NECC as soon as possible and go to school somewhere in Boston. You may not see this as a situation with many problems, but trust me, there are. One - I just started college this semester. I took a year off before starting college because, well, I was really messed up for a while and I needed to re-evaluate my life. Two - all of the colleges I’m looking to transfer to have all of these requirements that are very difficult, if not impossible to fulfill. I never took the SATs. I barely graduated high school! I mean, I’m bright, but colleges aren’t looking for bright, okay? They want, and I quote: “…people who will enrich our community with their talents and personalities.” Straight from the Boston College website. Three - Money. I’m broke as fuck, and I can’t hold down a solid job because of my illness. Stress literally eats me alive. If I get too stressed for a long period of time, my body starts to shut down - I kid you not. I’ve been to neurologists in Boston before due to frequent fainting spells and amnesia, and it was discovered that I am a proud owner of a conversion disorder. I just want to be normal. I just want OUT.

The kicker? I look at the BC website, I look at all of the requirements and what I have to do to be a successful student there and a small part of me says “Hey. You can do this! You’re just as good! Don’t put yourself down!” but an overwhelming part of me laughs and scoffs just at the idea that I might make it in a serious school. Am I only worth a community college associates degree? Or am I capable of earning myself a degree I really want in the subject(s) of my choosing from a respectable school? Should I listen to that little hopeful voice I have inside? Or should I face the harsh reality that I’m not as qualified as everyone else and I should just settle for what I know is obtainable?

I’m sorry I wrote so much, but I really needed to get this out.

Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.